My Soulmate

Baby,

You are the most beautiful person to ever bless my life. You are beautiful inside and out, and u have no idea how thankful I am to have u in my life. I love u with all my heart, mind, body and soul. I really do feel like I found the counterpart to my being. The one other person I was meant for. I truly feel connected to u, even when were not talking. I can feel ur love with every heart beat. Im sad when im away from u 2 the point that the only thing im thinking about is how bad I just wanna c u and hold n kiss u again. It hurts me so much to b away from u. It hurts so bad bcuz im so happy when were together, and everything just feels like that’s how life should be. I have always dreamed of finding a woman who treats me good, makes me feel important and loved and cared for. Someone that I can look @ every single morning and night and go “how could I ever live without u in my life?” and think to myself how much I love u. I can tell u I love u a million times a day and still don’t feel like iv expressed it enuff. I love u so much baby. Im so crazily in love and attracted to u. U r my everything.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Amazing

While he’s out there staying in the HOT AS HELL desert for training for 7 weeks we’re able to text back and forth.  After a sweet little text to him telling him how much I love him how happy I am, and amazing he treats me got the most wonderful email reply:

My treating u amazing? Look how amazing u treat me! I’ve gone 2 sleep almost every night since I’ve been out here with a pic and/or messages telling me how much u love me n how much I mean 2 u. I know iv said this a million times, and ill say it again and again. U r the woman of my dreams. U support me when I’m away, u tell me AND show me how much u love me.  I fully believe I have found my soul mate. I feel that my soul has found its perfect match. I’m so crazy over u and I love u so much.  U r so amazing in every way. I love your cute lil laughs n your silly sense of humor, I love how u care about me n I totally love how attracted we are to each other. But most importantly, every time I hear or read u saying u love me makes my heart swell with happiness.  I love u!

Being Strong

My heart hurts when you’re sad.  When you’re down I feel it in my insides…and then I’m down too.  No matter if you tell me not to worry about you – I do.  How could I not?  I feel more connected to you then I ever have felt with anyone else in all of my 33 years.  If you feel pain I feel pain.  If you’re happy and smiling it’s contagious to me.  That’s how connected we are to each other.  I’m sure you feel it too.

I know that being away for 3 weeks was hard.  I felt that longing for you as you felt for me during that time.  I know 7 weeks is going to be hard..it’s been hard so far and it’s only been a few days!  The thing is..I know we’re going to get through it just fine.  If we can face the distance of being 9 hours away from each other during the week and seeing each other on the weekends for over 6 months then I know we can make it through 7 weeks of being apart and be just fine. Be strong my sweet angel.

I know you feel resentment for the actual training exercise and how you had to go early for pointless reasons but we can’t control what happens so I hope you can go with the flow and get through it with a happy mind.  Don’t let it bring you down, baby. I need you to be happy even if you’re so far away from me for so long.  I need your strength and I need you to feel the strength I’m giving you from afar.

I’m trying so hard to not let it eat up my heart and leave me in tears every single night before bed.  I hope you can do the same thing.  I hope you’ll be strong out there.  You have me here supporting you, encouraging you, and loving you like crazy from afar.  Everything I do when you’re away to keep busy and sane gets me one step closer to seeing you again as the time passes.  I’m concentrating so hard on getting things done that I need to and it’s slightly easing the pain of you being so far away from me for such a long period of time.

Let’s look at this as a test.  A test of 7 weeks apart and our skills to cope and get through it with the love we have fore each other…because eventually it’s going to be 7 MONTHS apart…and then what?  We have to make it though with happiness in our heart about the love we have for each other.  We’ll find ways to get through, ways to make it work.  When you’re love is this strong you’ll do anything to make it work.  You’ll climb the highest mountain, swim across the largest ocean, walk the longest road possible just to get to each other.

Please do be sad, please don’t be down.  Do the job you’re assigned and just get home to me!  Just come back to me as soon as you can…I’ll be waiting for you with open arms.

I love you, I adore you, I want you and I need you.  You’re my heart…you’re my soul.  This is the most excited I’ve ever felt about LOVE.  I fall for you more and more everyday.  You’re my perfect love.  Just get home to me!

Yesterday Was Day One

Yesterday was day one.  One day down out of 7 weeks.  The day went fast for me because I was busy at work and came home and had so much to do with my pending move and side work.  I’m hoping I stay as busy as I am so that I don’t have to obsess over how much I miss you and how that leaves me feeling like a part of me is missing.

Now the night before day one…now that is a different story.  I DID cry myself to sleep at almost 3am.  That wasn’t necessarily because you were leaving for 7 weeks for training – it was because I had you here with me for a week and had to let you go.  It was the first night sleeping alone in my bed after a week and not having you there left me feeling so lost and empty.

I got so used to you being here as part of my everyday life that it physically hurt to let you go.  I’m almost glad you left in the middle of the night because I was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly and not dwell too much on you leaving at the point.  But that evening is when the pain of not having you there took over.  I cried and cried.  But I knew it would happen.

I knew I would feel that way.  How could I not?  I had the best week ever, ever, ever.  I felt like you had always lived with me and always been my partner in life.  The way we work together felt like a well oiled machine.  A perfect pair!

“Ya know, I’ve never loved & missed someone so much that i cant sleep & when i try 2 i end up crying myself 2 sleep bcuz of the pain of being away from them. that’s how it is 4 me right now. i know that will make u sad 2 hear but i needed 2 tell u bcuz i needed u 2 hear the effect u have on me. ya c, i know that your love 4 me is so true & real & pure & i know i am filled me w/ the same tremendous love 4 u. i am bursting @ the seams w/ happiness n love.  Our love is completely equal…not 1 chasing the other hoping they can make them love them the same. it just exists as equal love & adoration 4 each other. the way u fill my entire being…my soul, with love, is unreal. i keep thinking over n over how lucky i am that we came in2 each others lives & 4 that 2 happen many little miracles had 2 happen & they all did & came together. we used 2 say 2 each other that we deserved happiness after what we’d been through & now we have it! we r so blessed. I’m so glad i saw u last week. i loved u more each day!”

* u have my heart *

Me….

i tired 2 call u but i didn’t get u. i figured the tiredness of saturday night is probably getting 2 u. i’m just having another hard night & wanted 2 hear ur voice. i dont know why im having such a hard night again 4 the 2nd night but i am. i guess i just have so much going on & 2 worry about right now that this is when i seem 2 break down. as soon as i get in2 my bedroom i’m so saddened. i’ve thought about it over & over as i often lay here unable 2 fall asleep as much as i’d love 2…& the only explanation is that this is the most silent time in my day. u go 2 sleep early which isn’t something we can do ne thing about bcuz ur up so early compared 2 me n i sit in this silent bedroom with nothing left 2 b busy with except my thoughts & worries n overwhelming feeling of wishing u were holding me until i fell asleep in ur arms. its like id give ne thing for that right this minute…ne thing. its the 1 time where i feel so loved, so secure, & nothing else matters around me. its so perfect.

when im not with u i really feel like something is missing…u have my heart n without u here it tears me up inside. i know this must b so hard 4 u as well bcuz u cant control how much we can c each other but i just need u 2 know how much i love u…i love the time i get with u. i love everything about u…u have all the sweet amazing characteristics i wanted in my life.  i just pray time flies by until ur no longer away from me on a daily basis.

Him…

I love u soooo so very much. I can never tell you that enough. No matter how much I tell you or how I try to explain it I feel like its not explaining the feeling to the full extent.  I wish I could hold you every night. I wish I could kiss u every morning.  I wish u didn’t feel so lonely at night.  And I cannot wait until im there with u every night.  U r the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me and I love u so much.  I pray the time goes by quickly so I can come closer to you.  Please just try to feel as loved as possible when you lay down at night and remember that u have my heart with u every second of every day, especially when ur head hits that pillow and u pull the covers over you. Imagine me being right beside u, kissing ur neck n holding u as close as I can.

I love u

Another Sunday Night

Another Sunday night home again from getting to see him for the weekend.  I’d drive back there 9 hours right now if I could.  I hate leaving him but I do it knowing I will see his beautiful smiling face again soon.  I do it knowing that he is mine and I am his and we will be together all the time in the future.  I live knowing that and it gets me through. I try not to let tears fall on my pillow when I go to bed on a night like this but it’s hard.

Straight From His Heart

“Its so very tough being away from you.  Laying down to sleep, whenever I can and not having spoken with you on the phone. Only being able to text you here and there. Sleeping on the hard ground and not in a nice warm bed with you in my arms. I’m so used to being able to call you and talk for hours or seeing you on the weekends.  I feel this piece of me is missing.  It hurts so much to be away from you and it makes time go by so slow.  I’m stuck between wanting time to go slow and time to fly by.  The faster time goes by the sooner I see you again, but the sooner my next training comes and the sooner my next deployment comes.

I can tell you that I love you with all my heart.  You are everything I have ever wanted in a woman.  You treat me so good, make me feel very special, cared for and loved beyond anything else.  You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and I’m so crazy over you. I look forward to every minute we get to spend together, and cherish every second that we do. It hurts my heart on the days when we part to continue our work schedule and the week cannot past fast enough so I can see you once again.

I try to put my feelings into words, no matter how hard I try, I feel the words just cant explain what you mean to me. You are the light in my life, the foundation in which I stand, the one person I can always turn to and smile, no matter how hard of a day I had.  I love you. Love you with all my heart.”

Coincide

Tonight has been really tough.  Normally I’d ALMOST be in NC to see him.  Just 3 more hours and I’d be there with my love.  At 7:30pm I was thinking about the fact that normally I would have been there with him in 7 more hours. I guess I’ve been doing that quite often tonight. Counting.  Other counting includes the days til he comes home.  The minutes until I hear from him…

I’ve been pretty good the past day or two compared to the first day or two, but a night like tonight has made me feel a little down.  It’s the first “weekend” since he’s gone away so it’s made a little sad.  Normally I’d be seeing him after the long ride…

I miss him so much.  I think the reason it feels so bad is the lack of verbal or even written communication.  I think those items would make this experience so much more bareable.  But since there is a lack of it (which is not his fault) it’s harder than – just – not seeing him in person.  If I could hear his voice I’d be comforted.

If the 6 weeks in California are going to be like this (no communication) it’s going to be just as hard but longer!  I’ll be happy to see him in between but I will hate the goodbye so soon after he returns.  I guess emotions will be rolling for a while like a roller coaster and soon I will find a way to cope, cope, cope.  I think it will be all about finding a pattern to keep busy and active while he’s away.  Find a way to enjoy the days even with the void I feel with his absence.

Tonight was tough when I went out to dinner with my friend and her two co-workers.  I tried to have fun but all I could think about was everything going on in my life and how much I missed him and wanted to hear from him.  I having a hard time feeling joyful at dinner.  I enjoyed my food but was eager to be done and head home to have some quiet time alone.  You would think I would want to be with people when I’m feeling lonely but tonight this is how I felt.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe I was just tired.  Maybe it will take time to get into the swing of hanging with friends while something else is always on my mind…the man I love and miss.

Eventually missing him, while trying to enjoy my day, will be able to coincide with each other and I will find a happy medium for my feelings.  I will find a way to work through this because if you’re love is stong…distance means nothing.  Love knows no distance.

I’m Hangin In

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Being busy is the only thing that keeps me going through this time apart.  If I weren’t this busy I would be wallowing in my pitiful sadness of missing him so badly.  Yesterday and today were very hard because I didn’t get to hear from him during the day time like in the beginning.  It’s been no contact at all until the evening through text with a little bit of actual conversation on the phone.  I live for those moments in my day when I see his number pop up on my phone and I get to hear his voice.

I still have so much going on in my life that is incomplete or unknown.  It’s a very hard life to walk around in.  Then on top of that I have the unknown of when I will talk to my baby…  I need some things in my life to start coming to closure soon.  It’s about time.  It’s been a long, long journey that I’ve been on since the end of 2007 and I need some of the pieces that have fallen apart to come together.

I know one part, that I remind myself, that has come together…and that is LOVE.  I have love.  That is what I have that makes my world spin.  That is what helps me to wake up in the morning during a time in my life that has been so tough on me.  That is how I get through 3 weeks apart…and that is how I will get through 6 weeks apart…and 7 months apart.

Today Was Difficult…Will It Get Harder or Easier?

Today…I haven’t felt anything like it.  I didn’t know what would happen or what to expect.  He left this morning for 3 long weeks. We texted the whole way until he got there.  I was at work and was trying my hardest to respond as soon as I could.  Then he arrived and they were told no cell phones or ipods during the exercise.

I’m here at home left with a void…an uncertainty of when I will hear from him.  How hard they make things on the loves ones.  It’s  just that way with the military.  I understand it but it doesn’t make it any easier on the ones left behind.

I’m can be a strong woman when I need to be but today I feel a void in my heart that leaves me with a huge emptiness.  The void and that emptiness will be with me until he returns.  He has my heart and I have his.  That’s how you make it through.  When you have their heart you keep it close to you and hold on with all of your might.  You don’t let go.

It’s crazy how everything happens at once in life and many times things are at the worst time possible.  With my father’s passing, losing my job soon, needing to find a place to live that I can sustain on my own until I find a new job, and him being so far away from me I have to be tough.  I can’t fall apart – there is just no option for that.  I need to be here for him and be strong.  I can and will do this successfully without a doubt.  It will just be an exercise in my strength.

When he was able to finally text tonight I had the cell phone right by my side but of course it was the same time when I got an important phone call and I was trying to do both at the same time (which sometimes I fail at).  I don’t feel as if I answered fast enough many times and after the few minutes were all over and he had to go I felt so sad..like I disappointed him.  I never want him to feel that way while he is away.  This is just as hard on him as it is on me…harder to be exact.  I can’t deal with hurting him in anyway.  I never want to disappoint him.  I hope I don’t let him down anymore during these 3 weeks.  I hope I don’t let him down during the 6 week training…or over the 7 months he will be deployed.  My heart will break.

I had been waiting for those texts all day long and what happened was  exactly what I was afraid of happening.  I wanted him to have my undivided attention.  That was my intention.  I think I am just so overwhelmed right now.  I just have too many things going on at once, I guess. I can’t handle them all properly like I need and want to.  I’m trying so hard to keep track of everything but it’s so difficult.

I need to be there for him the best I can.  That’s what I need.  It’s not too much to ask to ensure he knows how I much I love him and miss him – even if it’s for a short period of time for this round.

I can’t sleep…that’s the hard part but I need to.  The silence and loneliness of that bedroom is too much…and now I can’t reach out to him when I need.  I have to make it on my own.  He will return and I have his heart and he has mine.

Before The Day Comes

I never felt how I feel right now. It’s like this swirling feeling going around my stomach. I can’t explain it but as soon as I tried to go to unpack, get clothes ready for work and get into bed I was overwhelmed by tears and a strange unexplainable panic feeling.

I don’t think I can convey it right in words but I guess it came on overwhelmingly when I felt the silence & loneliness of him not being here to hold me as I sleep tonight.

I will have to find ways to cope with being away from him for 3 weeks (so hard) …then 6 weeks (even harder) and who knows what 7 months will feel like in my stomach.

I’m overwhelmed…that’s all I know right now.  The way I feel about him is so strong….I’m so in love.  Not being able to see him feels so sad to me.

My heart ached as tears rolled down my face onto my pillow as I wrote this in my bed.

He is the sunshine in my day…the light in my life. Part of my heart will go with him when he leaves and I won’t have it back until he is in my arms again.

My Foundation

“You are my foundation.  You are the reason I smile at the end of every day and I want you to know that that fact will never
change.”

Well, my sweet love…. 

YOU are the reason I smile.

YOU are the reason my heart feels so full of love. 

YOU are the reason I get out of bed everyday and keep on going through the toughest time anyone can ever go through.

YOU are the one who comforts me in my sorrows.

YOU are the one that shares my joys.

YOU are THE ONE for me.

My Angel: Thank you for all that you did for me the past few weeks during the worst time in my life.  Thank you for continuing to be there for me as I go through some of the saddest times in my life.  Everything I have been through seemed more bearable with you buy my side and I can never repay you for that.  I pray for happiness for you and I in our future and to leave all this sadness behind.  I love you with all of my heart and soul.

Not Just Words

I love when we fall asleep in each other’s arms…

I love how your silliness makes me smile no matter what…

I love that I can make you happy that it makes your worries and fears subside when we’re together…

I am just so in love with you…

I am the luckiest guy alive to have found you…

I cannot wait for the day we can have all these things every night…

I just want you close to me forever…

It’s a feeling of love I never felt before…

I never knew I could love someone so much and so deep…

You’re my light in this dark world…

You’re my everything and I’m so crazily in love with you…

Be happy that we’re going to spend this weekend having fun and spend the nights holding you and kissing you.

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

They’re not just “words.”  They are true and the emotions behind them are real.  I never want to forget these words but even if I can’t memorize them I will always feel them in my heart.

Counting The Days

I’m counting the days…hell, I’m counting the minutes until Friday arrives and I hop in my car to drive 5 hours to see him.  I’m looking forward to a wonderful weekend together in the sun enjoying the rides.

I live for these weekends.  I love to see him.  Every second is precious.  When I’m with him my worries seem to fade away into the back of my mind and for a little while I’m free of them.  I life in those moments and soak them in as much as I can.

I’m feeling down today.  Health issues get to me and I worry about them so much.  Other things get me down as well…I need my house to sell.   I need to move forward with my life and break free from the past completely.  I’m looking for luck. I think that’s all I can rely on right now.  Luck.  I just want to move on 100% and I’m tired of things holding me back.

I hope I get the interview for jobs that are going to be posted at work.  That would life some of the fear I’m living with about my future.  I need some things to start turning around for me.  I hate when dreary feelings bring my emotions down into a slump. I don’t want them to affect my relationship at all but sometimes you’re so down you just can’t break out of it.

I hope I don’t hurt him in the process.  Our emotions are so tired together because we are so close.  When I hurt he hurts and when he hurts I hurt.  No matter what, that is the case.  We can’t always be happy but I try so hard not let my mood affect him.  I don’t want him to ever, ever hurt.  He’s had enough hurt from others….and so have I.  No more hurt.  Just love and happiness.

I’m counting the days…I’m counting the minutes until Friday.

I Hate Leaving

I miss him so bad when I have to leave him.  It hurts my heart.  I get through it knowing it’s just a few short days until I’ll see him again.  I just picture his smile in my mind and remember what it feels like for him to hold me tightly.  Those things get me through the best I can…