Here’s to You

Here’s to you, the one who waits, no matter the distance, no matter the time. Here’s to you, the one who fights your own battle at home, between the tears and sleepless nights. Here’s to you, the one who will never give up, even when everything around you seems to be falling down. And here’s to you, because while people may think they know how tough it is to be a hero, no one but us will ever know how hard it is to love one…

I’m so blessed

When I talk to you I feel so much better in my heart (I may cry but it’s because I love and miss you so much…not from sadness).  I need those calls to feel “sort of” normal inside.  I can’t tell you how much I miss you but I know you feel it too.

I think I’ve said this over and over and over but I love you so much, C.  I am so blessed.  I’m so lucky to have found you in my life.  You treat me like I’m your princess.  I feel so loved by you.  You always take care of me and try you hardest to make me feel better when I’m upset, or sick, or just need to be cheered up.  I’ve never been focused on like that before.  I’ve never felt loved like this before.

All I want is for you to come home.  Everything doesn’t mean as much without you here to share in it with me.  I’m lovesick without you by my side, sharing my life with me.

You mean the entire world to me.

Thank you for loving me the way you do.  Thank you for being my friend after we met that day.  Thank you for being the wonderful man you are that I so easily feel in love with.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET ANGEL.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only, You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down…

I haven’t written in so long and I know why.  I’ve been feeling good inside.  Time is passing.  I’m doing exactly what I hoped for on some of the hardest days chronicled prior to this entry – keeping busy.

Today marks the official halfway point.  We’re at the top of the top of this mountain.  Everything from here is downhill.  I can just feel it in my heart that time is going to fly from this point forward.  We’re not counting up…we’re counting DOWN…

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down…

We love that song…

1/3 Down

I say were 2 months and 8 days down…others are saying we’re 1/3 of the way through.  Whichever way you spin it tine isn’t going fast enough for me or C.  I’m looking forward to when the countdown is in days; not months.

I’ve been on a higher note the past few days.  I think it’s because I’m busy.  I plan to continue to be busy as much as I can but not too busy.  I noticed that being too busy has it’s downfall as well in terms of my feelings during this experience as well.  I think that too much going on keeps my mind busy but it wears me out tremendously.

C switched his shift with his buddy M and he’s been working nights (which are my day).  I feel like that should have given me more time to talk to him bit it hasn’t.  I’ve been busy the past 2 days with appointments and trying to get prepared to list my condo for sale.  The process is starting!  I have  a list of things to do so I can get this place on the market.  I’ve cleaned out almost every closet, got rid of things in bag fulls, and re-organized the areas to look much neater so that when people come to look at the condo it doesn’t seem as crowded.  I still have more to do in my bedroom, deep cleaning, and taking away some knicknacks so it doesn’t look cluttered.

A lot to keep me busy right on the homefront.  I’m excited that part I of my moving adventure is starting.  That’s a big step forward in the next phase of my life. I can’t wait for the change.  I can only imagine good things to come.  We deserve it after all we’ve dealt with over the past couple years.  Time for new beginnings.  Time for happiness.

This afternoon I was awoken by some idiot worker with a hammer making so much noise for an hour.  I wanted to cry because I’d only been sleeping between 4-5 hours.  I had to wake up for my appointment soon after that so by the time I got back to sleep I had to wake up.  I got so much accomplished today that it made me feel good but exhausted.  By the time I steam cleaned the whole condo and made dinner I was so tired when I was emailing C that I kept falling asleep in between emails for large gaps of time.

I feel so bad because I treasure that time so much.  I watch my clock every night to wait to hear from him.  He’s the sunshine in my day.  I know he understands but I still felt so bad…especially when I saw his last email. It was a short I’m going to bed now.  I just read it as him being upset because there was no I love you and usually there is.  I could be reading into things and maybe I’m just overly sensitive when it comes to him.

We’re so spread apart that every bit of communication is so important.  We’ve had some really great conversations lately over email and they’ve mad me really happy.  I love reading how he feels about me.  I imagine he’s right here whispering it in my ear.  I imagine he has his arm tightly wrapped around me every night as we go to sleep when he’s here.  I miss that strong arm holding me tight.  I miss my handsome angel who brightens my day with his presence.  I miss his kiss goodbye every morning before work.  I miss seeing him walk up the driveway to the door after working all day.  I miss making dinner and sitting down to eat it together with our pup by our feet.  I miss our weekend outings, I miss his beautiful smile, I miss everything about him.

Two months and 8 days down or 1/3 of the way through…either way it’s not fast enough for us.  Time needs to start flying by!

Without you I’m lost…

Without you I’m lost…

Without you my heart aches.
Days seem so long; nights seem so cold.
The world feels so empty.

I pray for time to fly.
As each second passes like an eternity.
Each day repeats over and over; an endless cycle.

Thoughts of you carry me through.
Awake I dream of you; asleep I dream of you.

2 MONTHS DOWN! 5 MORE TO GO!

I should be cheering and dancing for joy!  Two months out of 7 already done!  But instead I feel the same.  I have an empty place in my soul where he is missing.  Yesterday everyone was so excited that it was 2 months down for me and they were all like “you should be excited…you’re almost halfway there.”

I just wish it would go faster.  I want time to fly.  I need the days to go by quickly and the nights not to drag on.  Even when I’m busy I feel the same.

I was thrilled that more days had passed as I am every single day when I got to sleep and wake up to a new date on the calendar but at the same time I feel empty without him…like a walking shell of who I really am.  I’m waiting for my REAL life to begin…

Waiting for my real life to begin – Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Tears of Love

“Can I really just tell you how much I LOVE and ADORE you.  When I read the littlest things you say you make me smile and you also bring tears to my eyes.  You are such a special individual.  I love being with you, I love talking to you, I love knowing you, I love that you are mine.  I’ve never felt so in love with anyone…and I was married for quite a while…no one ever brought tears of love to my eyes that ran down my cheeks as they are right now as I type this to you.  Every day I try to think of other words to describe how LUCKY I am but all I can think of is the word lucky and blessed.”

“Thank you for having the most beautiful heart I’ve ever known and experienced.  I know with you by my side anything is possible for me.  With your love and support we will go far.  I am so lucky,  I am so loved and in love.”

“Thank you C.  I love how sweet and caring you are to me.  I can tell you over and over.  I am in love…. thank you for loving me.  thank you for connecting with me that very first night i met you. thank you for being you.  for being yourself that night and letting us develop as friends first.  thank you for not pushing me in that very beginning time and then letting me fall in love with you.  I’ve fallen…I’m in love.

i just want you to be happy too. i think that’s why we are so insanely in love with each other.  each one of us thinks the world of the other before ourselves.a mutual love like that will always be beautiful.  when one feels pain the other feels it too.  when one is happy so is the other.  when one is successful so is the other because of it.

I cant wait for you to get home.  i stare at the huge photo of you on my monitor that I took when I got that new lens that time and it is as large as life and I feel like you are looking right at me with the warmest beautiful brown eyes i have ever seen before.  the most handsomest face and skin and eyebrows and lips.  You are beautiful C.  I love you more than I can ever tell you.  I will tell you over and over so you know it and feel it and can wrap yourself in that love even when I am this far away.”

uuggghh

Bad night last night…bad afternoon today.  I was having such a good week.  I hope this ends soon.  =(

“I love you, Not only for what you are, But for what I am When I am with you.”

I noticed that when I’m feeling good I don’t write as much.  If that’s the case then I’m happy about the positive change I’ve felt the past week or so.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to keep busy and I’m getting out of the house a little more.  I’ve gotten to talk to Chris every night for a long stretch and we’ve had some really wonderful conversations that just fill my heart with happiness.  Maybe it’s because the fighting in Marjah has gotten a little bit quieter and there aren’t deaths being reported every day and River City every five minutes.  I’m trying not to be as fearful that something will happen to C so maybe I’m a little calmer about that.  I’ve been busy even when I’m at home so that’s a good thing.

I’m trying to make more plans with my mom and my friends so that I can not sit alone thinking too much.  I have lots of things on the agenda  coming up with possible jobs and also ideas I have for new things that I will be working on with my sister tomorrow.  I’m trying to achieve my goal of having lots of things to keep me very busy.  A busy mind is a happier mind.  Less time to sit worrying alone with my thoughts.

I can’t help boast that I am so happy about my future life.  I stare at C’s photo on my 23 inch computer monitors where he is larger than life and I just SMILE from ear to ear.  He makes my heart sing.  I just love looking at that handsome, gorgeous face.

I’ve never met someone that is so respectful of me and takes such amazing care of me with all his heart.  That’s why I live to do things to take care of him.  He’s amazing.  There’s no one else like him that I’ve ever been with in my life.  I can’t imagine being more in love or happier than I am with him.

I try my best to let him know the way I feel every day while he is away.  He never leaves my mind.  I’m always thinking about him throughout the whole entire day.  I want to keep his spirits high and keep him encouraged.  I have a feeling that if I were away in Afghanistan for 7 months and he was at home encouraging me the same way that it would be what would get me through the days.  I think the days fly if you’re in love.  They fly because you can’t wait to get through them and get home to that love.

I know I’ve said it a million times but I’m so excited about my future!  I am just so excited and that it keeps me going!  I just can’t believe that I am lucky enough to have found this amazing man, he loves me like crazy and treats me so well, AND on top of all of that I get to go and be with him with NO OBSTACLES in my way!  I can’t believe it!  I cannot believe this good thing is happening to me!  Why do I say that?  I say it because I just felt like there have been a lot of bad things over the past couple years and I really started to feel unlucky and always facing the next challenge.  Now I feel like I’m walking on cloud 9 and all of this good is about to happen to me.  It’s bringing tears to my eyes.  I really can’t find better WORDS then that I’m blessed, excited, lucky, happy, emotionally fulfilled, in love, in heaven, and feeling wonderful!

How is that love can get you through ANYTHING??  I’ve seen it with my own eyes.  It really can.

“I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.”

-Roy Croft

I’m So Lucky

I’m so lucky and so blessed.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  I am completely blessed that I have this wonderful man in my life.  How did I get so lucky I ask myself over and over.  I don’t know how but I am sincerely thankful for it.

I never had anyone love me like this before. I’ve never had that opportunity until now.  I never knew what it was supposed to feel like but now I do and I would never give this feeling up for anything in the world.

It’s so crazy that we have to get through these challenges in our lives just to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow…I have never been so patient in my life but I am.  I’m so happy that I am this lucky that I can wait an eternity because my heart knows that he is so worth it.

I remember when we first fell in love and how that made me feel throughout my soul and I still feel the same and MORE through today.

I’m so lucky.

Patience is a Virtue

It’s so hard not knowing the future for us.  What I mean is it’s hard not knowing where we will be physically located.  I’m dying to know because without having an idea I’m unable to start planning!  And, I’m a planner!  =)  Unfortunately we have to wait.  That’s the way of the military sometimes – get busy waiting!

If I knew I could start to plan out my life for the rest of the year and that would keep me really busy and I would welcome that!  I love being busy now because it passes the time until I get to see him again!  I can’t wait for that day!!  It’s the most important thing I’ve ever had to look forward to in my life so far.  To be separated from the one thing in your life you feel most connected to who is in a place that is filled with danger is the hardest challenged I’ve faced.

I can’t wait to know where we will be going.  I am excited without even knowing where that may be!  I’ve started researching jobs and homes in one area where we might be going and homes in another and I’m really interested in continuing to explore my opportunities in these new places!

Once I know I can also start to tailor my business to the new region to that I can start getting customers there excited about my presence to come!  It’s going to be a challenge to start the business in a new place but with a little dedication and perseverance I know I can make it work!  I am up for the challenge in my life!  When you’re excited and happy about your life – anything is possible!!  That I know for sure!

Patience is key here!

Hard Night

I hate the day, because it lendeth light
To see all things, but not my love to see.
~Edmund Spenser

Hard night…  Sometimes emotions can run really high in the situation that we’re in.  It’s hard to stop the emotions from taking over even if you wish really hard that they wouldn’t get the best of you.  But, it happens.

All the advice and encouragement in the world that you get from family and friends doesn’t make it easy to make it through each day completely happy 24/7.  When a part of you is missing it’s hard to go about feeling normally until they are back by your side.  Things just don’t have as much joy as they used to when you’re missing the one you love.

I enjoyed having lunch out and seeing my friend but in the back of my mind all I could do was think about C.  Until this over and he’s home that’s how it will be for me.  He’s my heart, my true love, my soul.  Everything else pales in comparison to him being home to me.  I will continue to “make plans” and “visit” individual friends who have been asking to see me since it’s been quite a while for many of them.  I’m fine with that as long as I’m up to it and I’ve been doing well.

Tomorrow I’m going to see my financial planner to talk about the future of my 401K investments.  I have to be up in less than 7 hours so I must make this post short… I’m going to see him to to discuss the best options for my retirement money if I don’t find a job with a 401K included.  I may be moving it into an IRA and that will be just fine by me.  As long as it can make money in the long term.  He’s the one helping my mom with her retirement money/investments and he’s always been a good help to me with my current IRA and financial questions so lets see what he says.  I need start securing that money into something that will be helpful for the future for C and I.

When I get to wherever we’re going to be I need to find some kind of employment opportunity that I will enjoy, pays somewhat decently, and maybe can help with our investments into our future.  C is concerned about our finances so I need to start research where I can and find out what will make most sense for us as a couple to be able top handle out financial responsibilities.  As soon as I know where I can start the search to see what’s out there for me in addition to my business.  Lots to figure out and arrange for!  I’ve got all the time in the world right now so I’m sure I will get it all done!

Keep Going

If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

That’s the mantra: If you’re going through hell, keep going.  Keep moving.  Keep persevering and you’ll make it through. You can do it!  You will survive!

That’s the advice I repeat to myself and that is the advice I send to my C.  No matter what – just keep going.  This will be over soon.  Look what we got through already!  It’s 4:10 am on 2/23/10.  We made it this far!  What an accomplishment!

It’s no longer “Day 1″ and it’s no longer “week 1″ – it’s almost been 2 months and February is a short month!  Just 5 more months to go and it will all be over.  It will be just a memory.  A memory that includes making it through one of the hardest separations that anyone can go through.  That alone is a huge accomplishment in addition to surviving a deployment in a godforsaken terrible place on this earth!

“If we can make it through this…we can make it through ANYTHING!” I say over and over!  This will be the true story of surviving the worst thing we’ve been through together and coming out in the end more in love that we could ever imagine.

I picture the homecoming in my mind over and over and over.  I see it like a movie in my head.  Seeing his face coming toward me live and in person after all of these months apart and my heart will be beating out of my chest.  Picturing him coming home safely to me is what gets me through each day.  Picturing how his eyes crinkle on the sides as he smiles and imaging him holding me as sleep is what gets me through the day.  Keeping my eye on the prize is what gets me through the day.  The prize at the end of the wait is a beautiful, wonderful love with an amazing man.  I would wait for the prize as long as it took.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

[Big sigh inserted here]

Oooooooh.  [Big sigh inserted here].   That’s how I’m feeling tonight.

I haven’t been able to talk to C in a while.  There have been one death after another the past few days in Afghanistan.  So many young men lost their lives because of the evil there.  I wonder if it’s worth it.  Will it help?  Is all the time that these young men are away from their families and loved ones fighting in that country worth it?  Will it protect America?  Will they clear out the Taliban and then more men will be recruited to re-join their evil causes?

All the worry I have inside is overwhelming.  There is so much more time for C to make it through safely.  The closer they get to the dangerous areas the more I worry.  I want this over.  I want time to fly by.  I want him home safe to me.  I want this behind us.

On top of all these thoughts it’s hard not to have communication.  It’s hard not to fall back to worrying when you can’t hear anything.  Communication gets shut down and there’s nothing that can be done about it.  I worry about everything.  It’s not that I don’t believe that he is safe right now – it’s just that when you have silence in your communications your mind wanders and you can’t help but think about the one you love so far away from you.  So much worry.  So many anxieties…

I just want to be able to talk to him…to hear from him.  I just want him safe.  I just want him HOME.

[Another Big sigh inserted here].

God give us strength.

Quiet Time

The quiet time is always the hardest.  I’m not worried but I like the communication.  It makes me feel close to C even when he is far away.  I got a little snippet of communication last night through a text on my cell phone and then a message from 1 day prior came through in my email.  I used that email to write C a very long email updating him on what’s new and various thoughts I had over the time I wasn’t able to speak to him.

I replied right away to the text but I didn’t hear anything back for a while.  I really want to talk to him but being patient in this situation really pays off.  I was so tired when I heard back from him that somehow in my sleep I told him I was sleeping.  When I woke up and saw I was SLEEP TEXTING I was so mad at myself.  I wish I woke up to talk to him for a while because after that there’s been no communication since and no one else has heard from their man.  I guess I was lucky with the 2 quick texts that I got.  =)

I got out of the house today for the first time in a long time to do errands and shop with my mom.  We started the day at lunch at Applebees.  We got nice diet dishes that were good for our weight loss goals.  I got to use my gift card for Bed, Bath & Beyond and a ton of coupons to get myself so new kitchen implements that I’ve been needing.  With all the cooking I’m doing and great eating I’m using a lot more of my kitchen supplies that I’ve had to so many years that I hardly touched.  I was excited to have a few new tools I needed.

Ever since C and I started cooking together I’ve NEVER enjoyed cooking more.  I don’t even mind doing it for myself which is the largest shock of all to me since I’ve been home.  Normally I was eating rice for dinner or rice with canned mushrooms thrown in.  Seven minutes in the microwave and I had dinner.  If it wasn’t that it was microwave dinners.  Not very exciting or healthy but served a purpose.  Eating healthy has made me feel so much better.  I miss snacks and I still think about them often.  I keep asking myself how much longer until I can eat them?  But that’s a question that I don’t think I should answer.  I shouldn’t be eating snacks ever but we’re not perfect.  When I get to my goal weight (if I ever do) I will still allow myself to eat fast food once in a while or have candy or snacks but it needs to be in moderation.  I have to figure out how to control that.  BUT in the mean time I’m learning so many new dinners to make for C when he gets home that are still filling but also have the right ingredients to be healthy and keep weight low.  I’ve learned that there are good snacks to eat that I enjoy.

All of that makes me really excited for C to come home so we can work on these amazing dinners together and I hope to make extra to pack him awesome lunches for work!  I have so many little things that make me so excited for the future!

While he is away I’ve helped to get all of this large bills paid off and I don’t have any debt either.  I hope we can keep it that way.  I’m really good with savings, finding good deals, and making the most out of money.  I’m very organized and it’s a quality that I think will help us down the road.

I’m also growing more and more excited about moving away from where I live now.  There are cons to it but I’m only seeing the positives.  I will miss my family but I need to do things for me for once in my life and not everyone else.  What I want is to live a better life somewhere else with a lower cost of living, with the man I love, which I think will also afford me the opportunity to live out the possibility of growing my business on a full-time basis.  I’m very excited about all of it and  I can’t stop thinking about it.

I can’t stop thinking about my place as a temporary living situation and that I won’t have to be here much longer.  I wish I had rented something so that when were ready to move I could have just packed and gave notice.  But I made a fast decision and I can’t live with the regret so I have to let it go.  I do know it’s going to be another challenge to sell it but condos seem to go faster than homes.  I can only hope to get out of this place what I put into it so I can use it on the next place with C.

Instead of being filled with anxiety and fear I’m so excited about the opportunities!  All I wish for is for him to be happy with his choice and I wish for him to find a job with a unit that is non-deployable for a while.  I think after Afghanistan he is going to need a real break from that or he will wish he never reenlisted.  He hasn’t made his decision yet but I’m wondering what other choice there is at this point.  Jobs are scarce where I live and I couldn’t even get a call back for all the resumes I sent in nor did I even get a job that was actually offered to me!  This economy stinks and I don’t think it would be a good scene for us to stay here in this environment.  We would shortly be penniless and all the wonderful savings we could have on top of an actual home of our own with its very own backyard!!  Somewhere for our pup to run around and play ball.  Somewhere to sit out and bar-b-q!   That’s all I can think of everyday.

I’m actually excited, thrilled, and filled with anticipation as to what is going to happen, where will we go, what will our place be like, when I will sell this place and move all my things, when will be get engaged and get married.  All of those things are so exciting to me and I am so happy to be able to plan them with such an amazing loving guy!!

Chapter one was a bad chapter of my life but Chapter two started in November of 2008 is going fantastic!  I am filled with hope.  I don’t remember ever feeling like this before.

I hope the silence breaks soon.  That will mean that there are no more deaths as a result of this ware and that I get to communicate with my love.  I’ll take both of those please!